mar 10

look up animats this guy did grip and step physics/control rule and licensed it to animation compant in 94. so i could have done something like that maybe if i was active and born in 70s but im not so what instead

mar 10

earrth wont cover life mistakes if you never die like grands so life is fkn long and so delete face

mar 9

should i write the case for a 12hr serious job search

two main categories of venting:
1) Venting about frustrations by talking them through with someone who will listen. This forces people to put their frustrations into words and elucidate the narrative as they put it into words. This can not only help people identify their feelings and work through them, but it also forces people to decide what a mature response would be. Once you start venting to someone you know, especially someone you respect, you have an incentive to present a mature interpretation and approach to the situation. This can help immensely.

2) The other group tends to want to avoid the mature response part, and instead wants to seek sympathy and confirmation for their frustrations. They deliberately avoid discussing these issues with respected peers or mentors because they know their response is unhealthy and not a good look. They embrace online forums like Reddit and Twitter where they're free to give one-sided stories without fear of their peers calling them out for exaggerating or stretching the details. This type of venting doesn't solve anything because they don't really want solutions in the first place. There's something rewarding or perhaps freeing about hunkering down in the victim role and being showered with sympathy from random internet strangers.

9 mar

am i going to be able to find somthing that has no 'serious responsiblity'? because my pleasure criteria is different to my 'i will mess it up' criteria or is it. just have to concentrate harder?

9 mar

an earnest search for a 12 hr job, when my 'criotera' for the job being wide means it aligns with their 'appropriate search' means can get clink

penny talks to the camera Hello! 'remember mee? i used to be older than you and bully you for being a dirty australian. but now i'm just a

penelope pic Hello! I know you used to dread my show coming on because you were intimidated by me, but

8 mar

[SOLVED] All this fussing all day for months and years about whether to get a job because i dont want to. but a 12 hour job i have no problem with and that would solve the debt and future debt scenarios...... just like that bang... what the fack am i waiting for. (some fret about wanting to do computers. fuckin you'll have just as much free time to try to work up to that ). So look for a 12 hour job.

8 mar

time to read the notes back

8 mar

i am not operating as if i understand the truths. because i haven't rereshed with enough stillness meaning i am like caught up in a movie marthon that ...you know

for atmosphere, you can't beat the black fog that was darkness in retro games. ge, kings, that ninja one
goldeneye had atmophere, tension. even slight spook (soviet mysteriuous)

7 mar

1) delete, make a new, facebook. add family say that the other one got ...'hacked'? ('i wont be using it just adding for a communication channel with family') (weboflies problem) (just delete it use bonny for contact since i'm keeping my mob #)
2) get vaccinated vaxx for dentist?

6 mar

ancient egypt, great grandparents,... it's done now it's finished. and so is the thing one second ago

5 mar

this is something for anx people but mbe also just present moment come to
>Look around you and name three things you see. Then, name three sounds you hear. Finally, move three parts of your body — your ankle, fingers, or arm.

5 mar

cos why do people work? in the broadest terms, hoping to benefit themeselves, their society, their potneial/actual descenants, their immediate kin ie unburdening mother. then junk like impress people whih is benefit themseles but not directly thought through as that. (i could just do the unburdening one which is the onlyone that's potentially real, with 7k a year? ie 12 hr or less?). there remains the question of preserving my own material conditions
>to benefit themeselves
because it feels good? may people these days so .. what if i joined in on that?
like, work is defined as what you don't want to do but TBC

deus ex
real paris trip
'the real davinci code'
mont st michel
venice scans

5 mar

Si vis videre, relaxa. (philosophy was all coming clear in the shower, as it does remember - no showers recently to remind of the plan to make that clarity on tap w stopping)
TBD Also think briefly how to translate that clarity from UT into slow situation
also If you want joy drop "I"

4 mar

>even Sartre eventually turned to orthodox Marxism to impose a meaning upon existence that claimed dependence on the hard facts of material conditions rather than the unbounded abstractions of the intellect.
ah yeah those material conditions

4 mar

seems like peace/joy now vs (or not 'vs') later is a topic needing a write down think through

4 mar

content/appreciate: take a drag on the moment. also, stop rushing

3 mar

limmy playing elden ring and hackernewses talking about how you get more satisfaction from games than from any thing in professionallife well... fuckin startingto think why not? I mean if i was just embracing doing nothing . but BUT i wasn't supposed to be embracing doingnothing i was supposed to be relaxing until I get detached from worries so i can do things for beings out of compassion or you know

3 mar

have been fretting what was some thing i forgot to arise contentment. whether it was this or not this works so case closed. just think how nice is this/how good this is. just will to be content, does it. that's why it was hard to remember the method, there's no steps

3 mar

we saw directly how letting go of all immediate past and future as had been practised, gave us superpowers in ut99. now, shouldbethen, practising letting go of all intentions other than one, may give us another superpower

3 mar

uh oh. hear myself 'i don't want a job because i dont want to give up..(my lifestyle of comfort i guess)'. >dont want to give up. <. givign up is the path to lightness

3 mar

Ken didn't want to be a doctor. "I wanted to be an architect"

2 mar

solo night shifts?

28 feb

strugging with something simple like humidiy i guess because of not remembering and focusing on how being like this (lounging watching vid, lapsing in behav) is not the good state, *this is a stress state*. vis the actual goodstate and ...? get inspired to act toward it since i do know how

28 feb

focus on how presumptuous eg doctrs without borders is and how you can't know what good or unintended cons anything will do. 'ther is no war' as in no cause that needs your fight

28 feb

'The more observant you are in the way you relate to the breath, ' supposed to watch the breath but you won't help but notice how you're going about it i guess.

27 feb

note: started vitamin a retinyl palmitate not retinol about 1 week ago

27 feb

software viability... notion - what if i said today i'm going to do 8 hours software work. could i do it? [obv the work is undefined so the challenge is just applying time to 1 thing which isn't just watching youturbe]

27 feb

"Everyone is trying to be as useful as possible.”. to be useful. hmm

26 feb

turning to peace and away from interests, etc, i noted that in peace which has and will always be there, i don't have to do anything. i'll never have to do anything there. so ill always be able to just rest there

26 feb

is blamelessness/non-remorse only the best feeling for me because i have no problems except a guily conscience about mooching etc? would 'safety' or ........no because all things are going to end you're still going to lose things and die. but what about peace. just like eg a nice death with no suffereing because of everythign's accomplished (blamelessness is actually a factor of peace?) what about accomplishment. did what needed to be done. again, without the ego side it's just a factor in peace. joy?
'peace is the goal but incidentally on getting it creates as much or more joy than trying to get joy would'
thats a claim. but you don't laugh when you ... get peace? actually you do the times you dont you didn't really get peace

ruh roh

25 feb

why dont you have a job mate? cough Well, it turns out a life of giving is the best. but uh.

25 feb

re: 'but doesn't a doctor, whose patients are crying out for care - in a place that's desperate for a doctor...' remember when you realized there was no war on, so it wasn't necessary for you to be on the right side and be brave and all that and get out there and kill? there's no need to be a doctor either. there are as many who want to do that as there are places who need one. right? or .. what? you're supposed to figure out where there's in the world not only a gap but one thats still a gap under the light of knowing that suffering is in the mind? (I guess this is how you end up monk)

25 feb

the 'internal poverty' (of 'what can i get' )

25 feb

from ol' 'pins' Do not proceed past process actions until you get the stillness (calm) in which you become you. the undeluded you* and you can form your intention. *Unable to describe, i rely on your understanding. you have experinced this form of you [not for years tho!]. you know it when you are it. mature, sober, serious, honest. quiet confidence, willing ready. ease, but volition, etc. There's space for kindness because the made up impositions aren't there. generosity ('willing'). because without your formless craving you feel full. carries out of stillness as patience openness etc
Actually all these qualities are beside the point which is that you feel you're actually *there* whereas you're usually off, fragmented, a little tiny bit there, spread around and therefore usually not .. (not 'you' but.. anyone). To become: 'one mind'? 'defined'? and ITS CALLED GOOD FAITH

24 feb

im really excited about my new support group. its called 'ignoring the innner chap'. its for chaps who are sick of navel gazing, and just want some excitement. we're starting off whith a scrabble tounament

24 feb

Today I set about actually doing some thought work and got hit with my famous - what i'd now call "mind goes blank on turning to question at hand". and i at first recognized, ah, this is the point of procrastination, that plagued me for so many years, this exact moment is its trigger, and my whole 'new era' that's supposed to begin is the one where i know that the solution to this is 'let go' until the "small anxiety around the task" passes. Since that's supposed to be the cause. The problem was i didn't feel any anxiety, just mind was blank - but I do actually know, or at least lets say i'll for now believe, that it is still the case, but you need to get still to uncover and connect to that tension. because the rain and various things were quite "disctracting" although be cacreful its not like you need no distractions to (med to then) work, you just need to remember, which i didn't that more sensitivity and 'care' and kindness and presence and integreity etc, are required and then they come through for you

24 feb

thinking about 'the accounting' i.e future feeling bad for 4 periods worth 5xgood for 1 period or.. and then you think well do you forget the 4 are they erased by the 5+, or are they erased by simply going away. is 4+ achived by simply stopping the 4- ?! anyway actually what is the point of accounting for future feeling when it in turn will be the past and forgotten. !!! i guess you can treat your future and pastoffuture self as other beings that you have compassion for

24 feb

notion push 'patter' to 4 so it then goes to world and can be used

24 feb

needs to be stuff in my logic about how guilt is worst and non-remorse is best feeling.. probably. yet we don't even have this concept in english jeez. what are we doing lol that we don't even have the word or concept of the best feelings out there.

24 feb

the thing, the 2019 revelation, where you don't get focus on the vidual subject by strainging but by letting go, is it a meaphor or literal in other matters too

24 feb

in other words in order to move forward i need a bit of confidence in where im going. ....are we making... a Plan?

24 feb

I think I can sum up the situation right now that i have several reason to try to get some work, and no real reasons why not to, but i am not acting on this because i don't feel like the appropriate distilling and verifying of the nebulous strucutre of the reasons has been done, and the assumptions behind the reasons etc, so it feels like a very soft cloud of a thing to leap off into action. so we need to 'crystalize' the beliefs, logic, reasons, assumptions, understanding, insights, etc to make the framework Hard. framework? launch pad? 'stable base' metaphor doesnt matter. no it does it will give resolve. lock? to lock the mechanism. grow bones.

23 feb

why am i wishing for ru to invade? is it just because it's obvious they're going to and i don't want to be on the hook for something happening that then gets drawn out like wasting my time. or?

23 feb

remember brahmali grab onto virtue to let go of the lower rung/same thanissaro always says

23 feb

potentiall 'so what if it's the joy of achievement.. just achieve a more disciplined resrtraining, more thorough letting go and enjoy it again'

23 feb

put a bit of humility into presnece for a sec and reembered the whole generosiuty creates a good open feeling in the mind, respect and humuiltiy a good easeful feeling, etc like - the whole selflessness = more reward than other ways thing. and don't forget it's 'ok' that i get pleasure out of it because it's a trap to say 'it's not REAL selflessness if you get a reward' that's just wrong and irrelevant for a reason i spelled out somewhere. andyway THIS is why 'medisfor' doesn't ring a bell these days when it says 'its for unburdening' (because re that i'm like what a bout me ), because i forgot this state of affairs and its consquent obvious intentional response.
I should be bowing to something too, putting something above me. just pick things. those who have gone ahead of me on a good path

22 feb

so last time i did it the logical basis for going to work was avoiding the risk of ending up helpless and feeling like oh shit i could have prevented this but i was ? lazy? im not sure. this is good though what i do these days, as in, it is living a good time so if i suffer later it's not so bad because, well, it's just paying for enjoyment i did get. no? and is helplessness really the worst feeling if you've let go of more ego? it doesn't ring with terror reading the word. maybe need to expand the text of the scnenario i imagined
also there's a different risk i thought of: if i forgo things and then later realize i would have done better to have them. but i don't think that's a high risk because i do maintain that letgo 'no wanting' is better - just feels better, than worldy life. it just feels better is a fine basis. abrahm says the mindstates of meditation smell like something more true. they do but whether they are or not doesn't matter if they just feel better. I am going along though on this premise that meditation is better than anything else in terms of a felt experience but seeing as i have not even done it since early days there's the chance that was the joy of achievement or release from a particular acute suffering that was going on (tension) and won't actually ever happen again, now that might screw me

21 feb

the preciousness of human life (each moment worth a mill 'yes even this')

21 feb

bruce the genie made human for one day >am i in trouble? wow. humans get in trouble don't they! part of the whole amazing tapestry of human experience

21 feb

the way its 5x (at least 3x) in usa and IS open to aussies means that the carmacks go there and the standard here is low, paving the way for me

21 feb

so software salaries go UP and (so) its not actually true that indians can do it for $2? it can't be if salaries stay high. but why can't indians do it? (pay is '5x' more in the usa because .. they onyl trust their schools ?)

21 feb

>As the Buddha pointed out, the purpose of meditating is to gain liberating insight into the mind’s activity of fabricating its experience,

20 feb

guy's story about being tricked and misled around 'Was it prison? Yes. But there were no walls.' (sensory world)

actresses who would probably reply to a polite message

19 feb

being a host, host-mind. as in guest-mind, beginner mind

19 feb

noting it below wasn't enough. it needs to be starkly spelled out. when you have some kind of even tiny guilt - food doesn't taste good. things don't look good. when you have proper letting go that is (?) only (?) this is the key issue (*) possible with blameless, then anything tastes amazing. any old things look so beautful
so you really screw yourself when you give into some retarded-mind uoh just go along with this why not
Possilbly work in thaniss angle which is you need to FEAR this
its like you can but not for a day or so dpeending how much and you have to kind of go and draw over it in your mind, so it denies you a day of peace

18 feb

should be in the bleivefs? or ? doc but you got this list of things that you need to draw out that are implicit which ARE in med but affect life decisions etc for example 'the present moment has all you need', whatevr's in it is the most beatuful thing whe you let go so chasing things is stupid, both unnecessary AND usually won't work
Stuff like that

17 feb

rememebered the strong uninhibited friendliness of ingame teamwork/chat with someo perosn who had a mic in hl(1?)dm. that's always available somewhere i guess

show for 10 year olds
>you do the laundering
>what family, its not the family from calabria, is it?
>I wish i had a bit of variety [vaudeville act appears]
>character is from 'the yard' (like australian kids know scotland yard is a police place?)
>unused notes

16 feb

yesterday on walk thought but then forgot? >factory work would be great actually. 12 hours of

16 feb

let this question -question! not passive instruction.demand - be on the stack again: why dont i get a job? like is there a not wanting to and if so why not

15 feb

all of the longer term plans fall away if you don't accept that there's going to be suffering otherwise. so 'there is suffering' is first and you have to face it not deny it

15 feb

noodling: beings suffering is the only basis for decisions // but ending suffering isn't by getting what you want its by giving up wa.... blah blah its all pointing to i need to let go of my attachment to comfort and idleness andn work even though i don't "want to"

15 feb

collecting this as a sort of example of putting in (some) words why i am going my way
> Revulsion means that you see that the five aggregates are just a bunch of suffering. To really see it means that you get fed up, you get disinterested, you get repulsed from these five aggregates! Not just from one of them but from all five, especially the mental aggregates. Why do you always want to go out into the world and get more feeling, more sensations, and more experience? "Let's go out and see a movie and get more experience. Let's go out and get a wife, get a husband, and have children. You haven't lived until you've had kids", so people say. That's stupid! That's just getting more feeling to be worried about, to be concerned about, and to torture yourself with.

14 feb

> So when suffering comes - as disappointment, as frustration, as loneliness or depression, or as wondering what you're supposed to be doing
>as wondering what you're supposed to be doing

14 feb

remember to let(!) noticing that other people are chasing nonsense unviable strategies, lead then to compssasion. dont make it get cut off because that might require some action, it doesn't really. just compassion and equit then act *if you want *

14 feb

why is it only relig living as monks? sure budos get rice from population in an exchange. but cath monks (i think?) earn their living - i mean maybe not really given the church buys them a vast land

13 feb

> What I recommend instead is to separate your money from your love. Get the most low-stress source of income that you can find, and then do exactly what you love for free. It might eventually make you money or it might not. "Do what you love and the money will follow" is mostly false. The real rule is: "If you're doing what you love, you won't care if you never make any money from it -- but you still need money."

13 feb

'calling up attitudes' one of the basic things in mind i listed - yeah i remember that was a thing but what was it? wasn't that very helpful and now i've forgotten it

12 feb

try to comprehend that i've spend this whole month or few *explicitly* creating burdens for myself out of not knowing what else to do (*incl not do) because of not seeing clear bwcause of not med

12 feb

time to make some software? feeling an attraction to the idea of the layers.

11 feb

time value of money. inflation is back to 80s level. so realized- wait a minute why not instead of strainging trainign up to get a 40hr40$ to do for 10 years to get 200k or whatever, why not just start now with a 15 hour, 25$ and if you are in earlier letting the time to do the work or whatever. or its just self sustaining like wouldn't i have literally no problems left if i was earning my own 7k?
if i worked 12h*25$/h*50w that's 15k so 7 cost, 8 save
8*20=160. you know?
like who can't stand 12h a week. it could be the shittest shit and it wouldn't matter. like that would be something i wouldn't be waiting to quit. i would just be happy for that to be ongoing.
this is a fantastic dream but wtf is 12h/week?

remember.. opendune.. layers

'life's a beach'? (ie not a real thing)

8 feb

in the sense of 'winning isnt evethign its how you play th game that counts'... 'outcomes for my satisfaction etc, doesn't matter, it's my mental actions being moral and skilful and kind etc, then let the chips fall any way doesn't matter'


why would i want this 'stillness' that's med
>Our best intentions are little sparks that are quickly extinguished by the immense pile of things we “need to do”/unskil wwantings
cos relaxed is everything and you're not relazed if you're giddy

7 feb

. jhana >we've been eating grass

7 feb

objects are actually events

[less is a waste of time]
1/2 cup (60g) SR flour

1 Tab

lespoons sugar
1/2 pinch of salt
1/2 cup (120 ml) milk

1 Tab

lespoons melted butter or vegetable oil
!1/2 large egg!

6 feb

use a 'why when none left at end and dont mind i didnt get tricked' recollection. 'cos now'

Maximum squared log odds ratio bounds KL-divergence
Maximum squared log probability ratio bounds KL-divergence

1 feb

shit.. work as giving is the reason to work. that i totally forgot about

wait now we know xex->x etc what about just f=ln(1-x)[ln(1-x)+1+x/ln(1-x) ] first zero by first term, then...?

1 feb

'why is peace joy' or wheres the joy rom peace, is because you get peace you just do get joy. anyold things start to shine brighter than anything you would be looking for otherwise w/o peace. so thats all you need to remember to apprec peac.

only need
'since d/dx numerator of f' is +ve,' f' has two zeros
one is at 0 where f=0 and is concave up
if the other is <1-e that's all we need

31 jan

the craving is creating objects for itself!

31 jan

>Just anecdotally, the "yoga, spiritual, new age" people I know are BY FAR the most egotistical group of people I have ever met. I lived in Bali as a digital nomad where these people are one of the core cohorts and it is very noticeable.
>Interestingly they are also, again anecdotally, on average a standard deviation or two more attractive than Americans on average. I think it is somehow related to a people who have grown up with people fawning over them and having people hanging off of their words and confirming everything they say and do. Then someone comes along and tells them that they can control their destiny and reality with their mind and crystals or whatever and it feels intuitively correct to them. Then they start projecting these ideas and get lots of positive feedback from their echo chamber.

30 jan

so i only really have ONE fear and that's having to ? console people???

Every month "the moon" makes them act "crazy" which means immature, hyper-emotional and bitchy. The show acts like this is because they're mermaids. Who's going to tell them?

29. what would a being without desire even be like


Welcome to Ten's Saturday Night Movie. Tomorrow night, the unforgettable true story starring Jamie Lee Curtis, Nicholas' Gift. And tonight, for the first time on network television, Alec Balwdin stars as The Shadow.
https://youtu.be/hdnGzKZoqHY?t=30

29 jan

give some structure to time as a way to naturally arise dignity of restraint

the derivative of the difference is zero at two points, x=0 and [show] with the 0 an up curve and [] a down so has to be+ve in between which incluces the region because []<1-e

(The thing that didn't work, that was at 1-sqrt e (not enough) was the zero of the second derivative ie the inflection between the curcing up and curving down)

I think the revolution here is saying ddx is 'only zero at two points therefore' which says it doesn't dip across between within out region, but how can we be sure the two solsn are the only two?
in the dottie cos case they say
>Since {\displaystyle \cos(x)-x}{\displaystyle \cos(x)-x} is strictly decreasing, it only crosses zero at one point. This implies that the equation {\displaystyle \cos(x)=x}{\displaystyle \cos(x)=x} has only one real solution.
what's my equiv?
just looking at i'ts obvious thankfully. it's like saying x-1=0 has one soln

29 jan

" the ATSB's technical facilities in Canberra"

29 jan

Is it like i should 'pin'(here we go) a set of facts in order that frames each day from the void of confused nothing
1. let go all things in the mind that have arrived unbidden, dumped and landed. refuse
2. there is a level of relaxation
3. taht level being 0 is the key to clear knowing and knowing whatsright and feeling good
4. everything above 0 is messing it up
5. [stops hre or refers to prodecure/perceptions to rlx ]

Oh I've got you now, you bastard. I knew it was you

remember when if it feels like why happning to me aggh - (ususally, why do i have to do this) - remeber times i have been a dick lol

'the rain thing is causing me to not work.' noo me reacting not with ocurage is

this show had a mechanic where the full moon would make the mermaids crazy and emotional not themselves etc. i just want to know if they ever did the joke that like, without being a mermaid this still happens
how's it going, anons? Any of you happen to work on this as say, a cameraman?

please post more actresses who are one big wobbly blob of estrogen.
big cheeks, receding chin, puffiness, pale white skin, pillowy softness.
bonus for mousy hair
schall
?clark
penelope
jn
dobypshow (no some other brit)
felick
round ball head

26 jan

make isla bonita 33% slower tempo no pich change with autdactiy

26 jan

in https://www.dhammatalks.org/Archive/Writings/Ebooks/HeadHeartTogether200826.pdf he says
>So to avoid these entanglements, we need another way out—a way the
Buddha found through training his mind to reach a happiness that no longer
needs to depend on the kindness and sacrifices of others. And although this
happiness provides an escape, it isn’t escapist. It settles your debts in a
responsible and generous way.

except >no longer needs to depend on the kindness and sacrifices of others
isn't true is it? well depends how you view rice donations, maybe?
>It settles your debts in a responsible and generous way.
well this is what we need to bear in mind is the intention of my trainings

still, >those who provide for its needs reap merit many times over for the gifts they provide
phsaw

25 jan

'be the bell' then it fades. !

25 jan

maybe for relax (!) 'be strong for those more scared' eg kids coming gives me some fears but what about their fears in an ''uncertain time''

23 jan

>I am the worst for not taking care if things I own. I've noticed an increased sense of joy and satisfaction by when I, for example, wash and wax my car. Instead of just using it when I need to go somewhere spending time taking care of it reminds me i own it, that it was a large purchase and keeping clean and in proper working order is beneficial and I should be proud.

It has definitely helped me be less materialistic this past year and really appreciate the things I have purchased.

22 jan

realizing i might need to contemplate the way duty or necessity or sth 'pulls you together' and lack of falls you apart. does it go beyond 'feeling at sea for a few days' when holiday starts? is it possible that a life of continual demands is a better way? dog gets you up?

20 jan

for medstack a vis jammed between two facing doors past and present. the restricion/constraint helps. maybe also brain/thinking mind is above behind glass/a wall

18 jan

for pathstack practise giving up control- metaphor of action = fn error, command - eststate = error. no command


wanna not be subject to kidz for a time and they're out there? put the fan on and earplugs/headph

16 jan

peace vs joy. vs. joy and peace vs peace is joy`1

15 jan

levator/sampling fix for body leaving me feeling more bodily integral may even mean that posture has been a cause of ..you know te 'low level tooth infection' that strainst the system and makes bad mood inflam

15 jan

set up simple overall guiding duties in different dimentions like what my path duty is, what my home duty is
but then where's unberdening others

15 jan

'really let mind go' type med good delight but didn't kind stick w it

11 jan

being annoying by a blaring radio i applied its not byou you b it and it worked im free

for tasks car windscreenmuck

11 jan

med because the unframed present moment is better than anything else you're doing

tlj rose good
oscar isaac really bad actor
big ass door
its salt
hate poe so much
cool sw craft then, monoski - oh no
woo i like this
finns thing wasn't going to work he did it out of emaotion- heart but not correct. gesture (kylo was previously tricked by emotion of falcon)
her thing is a failure too! saing what we love is also wrong! also emotion/ like muhrebel, wrong
its not a trimphant kiss its shown as her folly
'but noones coming'
The galaxy has lost all its hope. the spark is outi can't save him /y sons gone/nobones ever r gone ..?
is there soundtrack moments?
oh wait yoda said failure is the most important lesson you need to share your failture with them?
spark fire is in the context of ew need to run. he basically says it to himself, nodding as in now he understrands pruple's strategy - why she was running. he's not trgint to inspire or whatever.
>why is the ending hopeful. the shows kids recounting the battle (with *luke*) show the fire is 'sparked'

Yes, yes, wisdom they held. But those books contained nothing the girl Rey, does not already posess

10 did

the things i was losing myself in disappear because i ?having bought the food for a while? dont need to procrast? were they copes?i gyess arcane started around the kids but a bit prior because of 'christmas/december stress' hey that's what probably is going on, that defined like 4 weeks and i didn't have time to note its over because the fkn new dramas....... so i can just relax?

10 jan

where tf am i ? what was i supposed to do ? what do i want to do? why did I forget it all? not just forget but powerdown urges i dont even have any thirsts

9 jan

caught out by people's smiles in the bermuda ride pics. men smiling and being open. not being cruel or smug/cagey like all the ones i ever interact with
i TIHNK theyr'e all dads

8 jan

again a givingaware portion of the day was not worse than a 'getting mine' portion. maybe better

7 jan

literally a house-haver
>“To have a house,” the commentary explains, “means to plough fields, to sow seeds, to make purchases and sales and such other various kinds of affairs.” The “houseless state means to have no such kinds of affairs, but to have perfect calmness and to have no desire.”

7 jan

...meaning “defeat,” as in being defeated by sensual desire)

7 jan

the last 2 months or more has been about coping with the day no time for establishing the future. so something is sub-standart because i shouldn't have to cope with the day - though this includes duty being the day

4 jan

there as actually some relief in being told the kids were coming. accepting fate you know. but only because it was late in the day already

4 jan what am i doing/ should be doing? building conviction in not-self. fluency, currency and automaticity in not-self

4 jan

>I often let my phone run out of battery and put it in a completely different room (not charging). Like your locked box, the only way I don’t get distracted is if I can’t access the device even if I wanted to.
>even if i want to
freedom from desire by desire >impossibility>desire goes
now, i have a better thing but just for playingaround with...

3 jan

. k said directly i dont need to be here or do anything with the kids so don't fret about them coming too much. just stay in bed or walk or drive or whatever you loike

2 jan

betty white 80 year career. plenty of time *stick with it*. oppty to not do bs for $

2 jan

>"For this invention will produce forgetfulness in the minds of those who learn to use it, because they will not practice their memory. Their trust in writing, produced by external characters which are no part of themselves, will discourage the use of their own memory within them. You have invented an elixir not of memory, but of reminding; and you offer your pupils the appearance of wisdom, not true wisdom, for they will read many things without instruction and will therefore seem to know many things, when they are for the most part ignorant and hard to get along with, since they are not wise, but only appear wise."
oof

2 jan

>why did they give him such a kind face. its not fair. at least mylo was a fucktard
>Exactly so that you feel bad about them dying. If they were both shitty people, it wouldn't have the impact it did.
so .. its a made up story. and just remember the same thing applies to all events you percieve. you are giving someone a kind face so you feel bad. sort of thing

1 jan

'aversion toward ambiguity' hmm

31 dec

western 'isekai' or at least dreamworld things that i've known
- darkfall etc. also had the 'observer'/ the watcher
- keller sleeper (tower)
- mbe: the time traveller book/1960 movie
- for communications sake but not my personal: wizard of oz/wonderland/narina- citagazze/mulefa
- mariobros
you need ones from ads or music videos where its fun and no stress
-that alien cyoa book with the ham radio
-another world game
-roger rabbit not quite
-one to watch: "defending your life"

30 dec

not normal to actually be mainly opensource
>I think the "dream" of writing FOSS for a living is that it's like a normal job except for all the non-fun parts like mandatory HR meetings, boring standups, performance reviews, having to deal with customers/PMs/etc who don't understand the technical constraints, etc etc etc. It is just writing code you want to write with zero other obligations but somehow you get paid for it.
When it's written out like that I think most people would recognize why it is not very realistic to get paid for something like that, but it is still a very tempting vision.

30 dec

haha i thought i needed to let go of arcane and that was just random obsession. no i needed to let go of the burden of the future

30 dec

question needs to be why does the future get me so bad. why can't i ignore it or be at peace with it since its not even bad things that are coming just anything. or raen't even coming who knows
hmmm 'control' clining?

30 dec

'let powder die' let 'up to last 30 secs you' die now blank person is here whats around. no ref frame

30 dec

kindness counters fear
giving counters dissatisfaction
present moment counters past and future
caring counters ??
trithfulness/'integrity 'countrs becoming/stories
'dignity of restraint' counters bottomlessness/unsatisfiability of free desire
(giving up counters strainging to relax)?

28 dec

excitement is stress. oh some funny thing happened to follow all day? spend all day with a red bloated strainging face trying not to rage flip... pursue the path od peace

tlj
-they explain out loud what they're doing as if they didn't agree before hand what the purpose is
-this isn't just exposition because they actually disagree
-poe distracts the dreadnaught long enough for the evacuation
-leia says dont care about killing the dreadnaught, implying the jobs done lets go
-poe continues but then "the bombers " are all prepped and fuckin say over radio "going in".. to who?
-they're everywhere cringe
-paigeis chongs name lol
-evac is complete but cruiser stays to get shot for this bomb run thing?
-horribe humor and gaybait "finn naked?"
-flames coming out of an engine like bsg
-leia sounds like dying
- finn said three things: "..Rey!". "where's rey". and "how will rey find us?" picks up rey thing 38m focus to him deciding... to run to rey
-chewie eat porg ? its alredy ded
-holdo totally legit. poe is a fuckwit and good to see him scolded hopefully that's the lst see of him
-tension wise other feels like its main conflict is not between fo and resistance but between po and authority and secondarily rey and luke - basically both our supposed protags demanding answers that are none of their business and isistin upon themselves. finn dropped

^going back to using this shit as actuall aa above^

dec 27

>Arcane is its own world. It's like being isekai'd. It's quite alluring.
this, but its how you treat this world whats here now

dec 26

i successfully felt good through this onslaught of kidz visits by maintaining recollection of like, the things on the relax list. but then when it turned back to 'free time' i dropped the recollections and just immediately started having a bad time again with lots of craving. so that's the danger of complacency and of valuing 'freedom of desire' like *at all*. Its almost suggesting that it's not 'ffd>fod' it's ffd is the only good way and fod *is actually suffering* because you have the choice and there's no answer , the ol cursed to be free
Maybe emphasise on the relax list undre pulled out of comf/dreading a Duty thing,... 'no you aren't missing anything that's false memory of what noduty feels like'

dec 25

january resolution (target) make a commit to a opensuource res

dec 22

just concentration on the breath gave me beautiful

SEND XMAS CARD TO FAM also think is this a false duty. they got other kids

dec 19

the one stress i have the one thing that stops me just livinb in abslute elight peace is extended family who i dont do duty of keeping in contact with so.... send xmas cards to all fam?

dec 19

ab holding the cup up it feels heavier and heavier put it down and when you pick back up lighter. all "stress in our modern world" e.g. workplace stress is from not remembering to/knowing how to put down sometimes

dec 19

>Like all compulsive habits, reading addiction stems from the need to escape and control.
Right ! so give up on striving for escape or control. cos here is the only place you can get peace, and control isn't necessary since that's just the will dictating. this is a bit TBC. also letting go gives peace not more control

paul atreides vs fire cat insstinc well what is paul presenve his life. saying eh ok kme wd b actually going against

dec 19

what if instead of drinking beers as someone would do to loosen up before some nervous thing, i just said 'let it go wrong'. detaching from caring whether it 'works out' or actually what happens at all. like who cares actually? could i do that?

dec 19

gratitude/grateful and guilt guilty : simpler: don't compare to someone else compare to 'yourself without this'

dec 19

gratitude/grateful and guilt guilty : possible : >Think; do you want people who have life better than you to feel guilty about their blessings? Probably not. To enjoy what they have? Probably

dec 18

re (1): you actually want some work though that you Won't get a attached to. there's so much emotion/expectation tied up in this 'my lifes thing' stuff. or maybe it wont be once i get the 'learned so much but nobody needs it' forgotten by just having a job that pays.

dec 18

enjoying being alone in the house for a few hours k off somewhere. 9-5 with apartment would mean 5-11 by my absolute self any night

dec 18

from the whiteboard:
>CAD and Code -
>The 10x Strat:
>Treat work as (fun,excitement, play) with kindness + giving
>+Breathe/open energy to get the pall off
>-'ugh' field (not-self*)
>less curious less diversion (dispassion)
>+Exercise background
>*"agh it's hard" -> it's hurting you? because 'you'...

dec 18

possible txt to ian
happy christas to everyone down there. everyithihgs good here same as usual

dec 17

(1) not a full programmer but someone who 'works on' simulation software at like a non-mil dst. because i don't know all the language tricks but i know de's and they don't know des. remember i have done this before in cea and adelaide even in a team. 'how about this' came from me
but remember - when it gets boring - in the details ----its just for money
now to work into this do open source contribs of this type

dec 17

its not the noise disturbing you it's you disturbing the noise

dec 16

this is the main dread-dodge key from that time when it was really working no? the word mine should be emph if this goes in a doc
> (So what you want to do is take the suffering apart into its component parts and locate the clinging that turns those component parts into the suffering. If you take each component part on it’s own, it’s not all that bad. The aggregate itself is not suffering. )
There can be a pain in the leg but we suffer simply because we identify with it, we lay claim to it as ours. That’s why we suffer. Without the act of identification, without the clinging, there would be no suffering. The mental label that says “mine” or “my pain,” “my leg,” or whatever: What happens if you drop it? You don’t have to think it. There’s nobody forcing you to think it. There’s simply the force of habit. And habits can be changed.

dec 16

get into this >there’s a constant repetition going on in the mind. Sometimes the labeling, the clinging, and the repetition are so insistent that the physical cause of the pain has long since gone.

dec 16

so i need to start working on living with less/no "mine".

dec 16

so i need to test out (again?) letting feelings be not my feelings but just feelings.

dec 16

here. "this is the only place you'll ever find peace" ab 2012 18 apr

dec 16

bunched a doona behind my back as cushion and it ended up with a bit that was like a bar across shoulders almost. really felt nice at the lower neck

dec 16

the big releif sigh of 'hey, at least nothing's happening tomorrow', 'well, it's not tomorrow' is partly because "so i don't have to prepare/be prepared" but what really does prepared/being ready mean? it probably means a clean mind good heart - a mind/heart with no ill will. so actually i should be prepared all the time and then not only can i handle things but no anticipatory bracing/squirming

dec 16

>[when] the time-to-iterate [is] very short (press a key and you instantly see your changes). They end up getting into a "dopamine feedback loop" that causes them to continually make tiny changes and rebuild/run, and the code written as a result of this looks exactly like what you'd expect: it barely works, and is full of redundancies, "dead ends", and other evidence that its author was probably not thinking of anything more than the next line or two when writing it.

dec 16

- clinging to control always resonates when ab says it but then i have never brought attn to this outside listening? giving up Control hmm
- I also used to have this thing like "is what you're doing/experiencing now so good it can't be disturbed" usually it's like no this is prettyaverage

dec 16

catchy my self 'i cant' like i cant tune out radio well change it to 'learn this power'

dec 16

hard starts every day for a week or so but most of the time the tide is able to be turned to good moods

dec 16

what was the thought that helped with xmas stress today - "k was here last year" last year i didn't do anything and it was no big problem. maybe 1 gruff moment

dec 16

"what you make it mean" was good from that fear of ?? smth about low confidence video

dec 15

What actual feelings are we trying to bring out by adopting relaxing perceptions? Freedom and ease and peace etc., sure. But are they abstract? Peace and ease maybe but freedom seems like freedom-from needs to be there. It may be good to expand Limmy's 'untroubled'. Free from troubles - what are troubles? Concerns, fears and doubts, uncertainties, anxieties I guess. How you could get free of them all at once is kind of what we're looking for with zoomed out things like "it all doesn't matter" ringing true rather than addressing the specifics. Stuff like "let it go wrong" which carries the implicit framework of how hanging onto expected outcomes is the suffering not the actual outcomes.
This discussion moved into the document 'relax.txt'

fuc goldsrc for water goto shadertoy
for next time put a google maps panorama as the skybox for hl bermuda

dec 14

repeat: disengaging from the 'this day' context at lightsout, the containing context opens up. and the containing context is all time and all subjects. part of clearglass is to try to make that ondemand

dec 13

notion: where could i be active on stackexchange?

dec 13

notion: product: humane bug catch mid air. There is a one that needs to go against a wall. Also mosquitos won't be easy with that one
ok no there's a great tool with long brush hairs that grabs the bugs instead of a jar, and that could be used more or less mid air, or some variation on it

dec 12

shd put a morning-read set of policied - things that are supposed to be come automatic that aren't yet like 'use one cup'

dec 12

commenced nightly vitamin A and daily intaking vit E 7 day test.

for beliefs : unreliable - everything, hence no refuge in attaching to - whre was this from? brahmali?

dec 11

>Return to Society
Barefooted and naked of breast,
I mingle with the people of the world.
My clothes are ragged and dust-laden,
and I am ever blissful.
I use no magic to extend my life;

dec 11

something, there's something about open heart to open out to view to counter default guilyconscience. related to every moment just inheriting the rstuls of last moment's intention ?

try to blow out bswa.map with a actual light

12:37 PM 10-Dec-21 arising and passing - haven't fretted about ken or ian for months

working model as well as thry. and working..proposed interven..??

12:10 PM 10-Dec-21 check this out press f5 get the datestamp

manual duties, mental, ..? labora/ora


'where are the kids this chris
does it matter, isnt the idea that smth on horiz is 'preventing' me finishing my paper, the false-logic habit i want to change?
oppty for action/practise right here

dec 9

for now if you've not got immediate virtue to recall , just kindfully relax the body to get to tranquility

dec 9

proposition what really helps me is not 'meditation' its the idea of not-self. and maybe impermanence. right so meditation then should be about reminding myself, making these direct experience. i guess i'd then look for how things aren't self and how they arise and pass.
and trying to comprehnd and understand how suffering relates to these things that ends suffering

dec 9

the old working theory (probably still current) translated into english
So working theory:
1) med increase will make all 'problems' go away
2) prolems gone from med 'personal happiness secore' frees to 'act' and then comes fully in (earlier started) that 'generosity makes peace' in u and 'if your goal is for othes med makes you more effective' . i.e. im dallying cowering still right now because still ego/personalself protection which I need to bust and say is sat'd, satiated,by med, perceopts.
3) change will come be ready set is the immmed situ priority
4) outlook, like aimgoal, forward looking , is a. desttou selfishness b. amb4comn, work - for others. what that looks like we dont know because we need to safe up a bit before lookingto vis it or u 'mess it up'

A serious meditation practise will dissolve my percieved "problems". With my problems gone - my personal happiness secure - that frees me up to 'act'. And in that action comes in the concepts that 'generosity makes peace' and 'if your goal is for othes meditation makes you more effective' i.e. im dallying cowering still right now because of habitually protecting the self, which is an illusion that with meditation we are able to see through.
3) change will come be ready set is the immmed situ priority
4) outlook, like aimgoal, forward looking , is a. desttou selfishness b. amb4comn, work - for others. what that looks like we dont know because we need to safe up a bit before lookingto vis it or u 'mess it up'

dec 9

christmas whatever will be practise in path. thank you christmas. also if spazn - comesbut once a year

'software people did blah in their ugrad degree i duno it im wasint my time here' well why dont i think i can do eng with the fucking beng i have?
i dont even know what eng entails
maybe the digital course was the closest i felt to having learned a skill
but was it? or its current bias? what else did i learn besides analysis shit. where did i make something
analog but didn't have a clue
control can i make a controller? 'simulink'? sure.

> what's the impulse for when someone decides to detail their work to the internet?
>The company I work for considers this kind of writing to be fundamental to being a considered a principal engineer.
>While this might not have been the author's motivation, having a popular tech blog certainly doesn't hurt one's employment prospects.

Everyone makes fun of it being over because of the high ground, but right before that Anakin says this is the end (for no reason), and previously Yoda a says "Your rule is over" to palp. These are all just rhetoric by the characters, not statements of truth in the movie.

dec 8

my value proposition use maths to make some code radically faster so it can run on a device. i've done this two times sort of
like autotune plus ribmahony but using rawcpu
what algos needed for a device other than drones or maybe for drones i dunno. for phones. can we not get a bit more imaginative
'cpus on drones doing autotune'
'real time' member that?

dec 8

how many cpus are in a fighter jet, 'doing the real work'? yeah man i do like this stuff this is my stuff

dec 6

experiment: imagine you're going to your next life or something how do you want your mind to be found. it will all be visible. each moment of 5 seconds or so

dec 5

restraint is freedom from desire. we've known there was something relaxing there since going to the physio, nz, the train. but it was not resolved. now it is and the challenge is that the restrain has to be set up internally.
cue aeroplane mode, phone off, train. no i dont have option. freedom from options

dec 4

i don't want to.. create expectation of it but .. this medn stuff is starting to work again and there's a kind of 'strongly present' present moment or a toally absorbing peace, that i've just touched and you touch it and it goes - not because of my reaction necessarily it's just the base isn't stable. but yeah, worth pursing to approach the vision of having that as a continuous state simply because it's the coolest feeling
once was achived by recalling there's no past at all just right now
once by something like accepting all that's in the pm
no it was by thinking that this HErE isn't costing any money- ie its life in istelf
it made me see this wasn't a situation to watch a clock until some result or problem - for a result in the future - the result was here now
untangled to some pasy or future duty or w/e
but yeah then have to let this go i guess otherwise you're in expectance and never get it so fuck it
(look yeah its a cool feeling but it would get boring just like anything, the point of this is to say that if you're there but not sharply, not powerfully there, then remember there's potential for more thereness. so don't sit at that basic level. that's all)

dec 4

comfort, comfort in the world whatever, because its inner. how to work back in that focus on feeling how comfortable you are. comfort level as the object

dec 4

better note this down because it's all well ang good now but then we'll forget: all impinging events are traning for being relaxed under conditions. since being relaxed is the source of all clarity and ability to act, it's no use if your relaxation is situational and not a structural thing that doesn't immediately vanish on impingement. so you'd take monks and light their house on fire in the middle of the night and when they are freaking out and dismayed tell 'em : have you died? have you been knocked off the path? no. attached have you been? let go ?
so 'tomorrow x is happening' is the teaching cabin-fire for me

dec 4

it used to be ALL about relaxed. like any single problem came down to that and this may be correct but where is the discussion from what time? to recall nuances

search and find the rest of “the primacy of short-term mood repair … over the longer-term pursuit of intended actions.” how procrast comes from anx

dec 4

so i just stumbled acroess what i guess was THE premise of meditation that got forgotten- wheny you're not doing what you should actively, the reason is you're not relaxed
but replace relaxed with .. i dunno of peace or something since the premise of that has dreid a bit

dec 4

'med is for' basically, procrastination? ability to put momentary mood not so primary? learn how to let go... OF impulse to protect comfort
and.. because most plans and choices are being made at 50% panic
hang out in the peace is learning to BE not at 5
but you dont just blur there you sharp there so you're learning to be 'together'
its learning and practise being is perhaps the key attitude here

dec 4

colded shower at the end against resistance with 'it's just a body'. med got short peace by 'accepting' but too much 'what now? what am i trying to do again?'

julian jess wasik
also 2008 photo?

oldnotes “the primacy of short-term mood repair … over the longer-term pursuit of intended actions.”

what if i just glue up the showerhead broken nozzles

kick against the pricks origin


so susffering is caused by craving but - specifically the belief in the self is the cause of the many ? specific crabings
just thinking how its (purportedly, untested) not gratitude that makes you feel good its more generally self-lessening


for velievefs 'when you do sth from giv even if its hard it does t feel hard/bad' //'for other'

did gcc put pauses in between printfs?

3 dec

for the remember list the defileents are out to take away from your hap

3 dec

remember we want to climb up this tower of enjoying delighting (at least ease) when
-nothings happening like lving kbruce house, smth happning like interact w/her, hard things. then obls/entangles, so you're not attached to the easier scenarios. the peace is in the moment whatever

make change.txt

aa: deciding/choosing | change
patience | reserve

3 dec

to stop repeating i'll need to change but then we ask what. well of each thing i go to ask, do i need to change this? now is the time to do those changes. 'edit permission authorised' on habits/routines. so for example, at the moment of choosing writing more over reading back. now we can say no i should stop that and read.

3 dec

just got out of a tense mood by hot-shower the hot water on the muscles relaxes the muscles, which relaxes the nerves, which relaxes the mind. need to use this 'trick' more regularly, consider some kind of diy sauna - but also looking to use brahm's scan sending the kind, that has worked too but might need physical warmth as the base, it was summer when probably last got that to work.
perhaps the sun light without the uv some how?

3 dec

being caught up in the world. this was a big error (hm) i made that came from following tricksterism but forgetting not to attach to the damn opposite thing. what i mean is sam h was about popping sacred cows - doing this is supposed to be show people life their furrows of worrry are over something silly/life is just a ride - but i got caught up so it turned into no we have to make opposite cows
because i was enjoying the suffering of the pepople getting their cows popped more than anytihng you can't ignore this. I was all about causing (emotional) suffering to people who 'deserve it' oof and then i just expanded that to almost all people becuase i was resentful about sth. what ? just being tired ? i dunno

2 dec

how to stop repeating? well i need to change innit


youve been hired to improvise your scene
irr 2 a star wa

perception: never been here before, not someone

made it as life_stack.txt deskrtop

or whatever, stacked like that. the stack is too immediate. the process.. stack

'the stillness'
'the 10x strat'
'the 10y grind'


where is the list that just says :
01 dec

as a giving service i could fix the audio on abrahm old talks


time to close the ok chapter. i found out what i wanted and i got it. (white tile fringes, length of bone. merely memory)
^28 nov?